Continued from Part Four...

The question posed:

If adopting from Haiti, particularly in the case of an older
child, should parental visits to Haiti be allowed or encouraged before
the adoption is finalized? I have heard the pros (early bonding) and
cons (feelings of abandonment when you leave without the child) on this
subject.

And one last response:

Agency 10

I would have to say YES, I believe parents should be allowed to visit prior to the adoption being finalized. I do not believe it is essential for families to travel, but I believe it is beneficial. Some families do not ever travel. There is a certain amount of risk associated with traveling prior to the adoption (the adoption stalling or not completing due to birth family, adoptive family, or government changes). I believe the benefits far outweigh the risk.

The children from _______ are accustomed to families traveling to “visit” while their adoption is in process. This allows the child to know that someone cares for them and is working on their adoption. It is not out of the norm for the children in the orphanage to see parents leave and come back. The orphanage staff knows when the child is going home for good. They do a wonderful job explaining that “mama blanc” is coming to visit. The children have been able to observe the fact that adoptive families do come back.

It is true that the children have already experienced loss and abandonment from their birthparents. I do not want to underestimate that loss. I also do not want the children to go through more loss during the adoption process. I see a difference though between parents visiting their child prior to the adoption and their relinquishment or abandonment by their birth family. With the adoptive family, that bond has not yet formed in order for it to be broken. There are (and have been) other people in that child’s life that have simply visited them and left again.

Visiting your child in Haiti does not necessarily give the family a good idea of the personality or characteristics of their child. The children will usually be in the honeymoon period. The child will likely be a lot different when they arrive home. I believe children must feel a tremendous amount of fear and trepidation when complete strangers come to Haiti, put them on a plane, and take them to a country where they do not know the language or the culture. Visiting the children prior to the homecoming trip helps to ease that fear. The child has at least met the family~ they are no longer complete strangers.

So what is the right answer? It is an easy decision if your agency and/or orphanage does not allow visits, but what if they do? Is it a benefit for parent and child to meet prior to the child coming home? Does it enable bonding? Does it create despair?

I would not trade meeting my girls for anything. It has helped me love them deeper than I would have if I had not met them. I have bonded with them. I know that we have provided them with a couple weeks of love and hope. They have seen who we are. They will know what to expect when they actually come home. And yet, we have caused them sorrow. We have gained their trust, only to leave them to wonder what has happened. We have confused them. We may never know what the benefits or drawbacks to our visits caused. Another trip is coming in April. After seeing their photos and regretting not being there; I felt 100% determined to go. Now I have read through these agency responses. I have conversed with our own agency and with friends. I am wavering in my resolve to go. I do not know what the right choice is. My husband and I will be discussing this in depth, as well as praying about it to come to the best decision for our family.

What are your thoughts on the matter? Have you visited your child prior to their adoption and arrival home? How did it go? Would you have done things differently if you could turn back time? Share your thoughts and insights, if you please.