A fellow adoptive mom was sharing her terrible day with an email-list I frequent. Her little daughter had had a dream that her new siblings were home. When she awoke and realized it wasn’t true, she was traumatized. It became clear to her mother just how much her daughter was missing her new baby brother and sister (who are still in Haiti). She emailed the list asking for advice.

It reminded me of a few experiences I have had with our kids when we are in the middle of an adoption. When Sahara was three years old, we were in the process of adopting Ryland. We told Sahara all about Ryland. We had his photos up in our house. We wanted Sahara to be prepared for when Ryland came home. Before too long, Sahara started to complain about how long it was taking. She commented often that she missed her baby brother. His adoption was unusually long and after awhile, it was heartbreaking for us to think of him, let alone hear Sahara’s confused questions about where her brother was. He eventually came home, and Sahara immediately decided she hated Ryland. She begged me for weeks to send him back to Viet Nam. A whole new issue for us.

After that experience, I really questioned how healthy it was to share the news of a new sibling or siblings with your little children at home. On the one hand, you want them to be fully prepared for the new person or persons who will join their family and their lives. And on the other hand, you want to save them the stress and sorrow of waiting. It seems impossible to keep the adoption a secret from your children. No photos posted on the fridge, no adding the new child to your prayers, no days where you feel too sad to do regular things, no shopping for the new child, nor preparing a room for the new child. Just typing all of these issues out, makes me realize how ridiculous it sounds. And yet, it is hard to comfort little ones who miss their new sibling, and cannot understand the wait.

Recently, I had an experience with my daughter, Claire. She is four months younger than Georgia, and is super excited to have two new sisters. Whenever she sees Talley’s picture, she says, “That’s my baby sistuh!” She talks about the things she will do with Georgia and Talley, and truly looks forward to their arrival home.

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